Conversation

I had a conversation today that took my breath away.

*****

I decided on Monday that eight months was enough; this situation needed to be put to rest.

I began by praying.

Oh, how my prayer life has flourished this week! Every time I've felt the anxiety rise up I've turned to the Father. Please, Lord, please let this go the way I want it to. Please give me peace. Please help me feel okay after it. Desperate, unsophisticated prayers - the kind I think He loves most.

Fasting accompanied the prayer. In fact, it led to it. Every time hunger gnawed at my stomach it was a reminder to give thanks, to plead again, to fix my eyes back on Jesus where they belonged.

I went for a run on Tuesday night and as I walked back home I wept. I wept at my fear and the uncertainty of it all; I wept because the situation was so beyond my control. And as I cried out to God, I looked up at the stars and was stopped short. He is the God who created the stars, I thought. And He will continue to be that God even if this doesn't work out the way I want it to.

Yesterday was the hardest. I woke up at 3:45, anxiety washing over me in waves. Again I prayed, but it seemed like fear had swallowed the little faith I had and so I lay awake until it was time to start my day. I paid limited attention to what was happening around me until I finally got to the fourth floor of the library and took out my Bible.

The Psalms told me to celebrate the goodness of God. And so I did. I was reminded that whatever the outcome of my conversation, God would still be God and He would still be good.

I closed my Bible and sent the message.

*****

This morning I woke up and sang. I sang of God's mercy and love. I made my bed, put on my mascara and walked out the door.

I paid as much attention as I could in class, taking notes with shaking fingers. I walked and prayed for an hour in the afternoon sun.

And then I had the conversation.

*****

I fought back tears on the bus ride home.

The worst had happened, and I could honestly sing along with Bethany Dillon that "I'd never felt like such a fool in front of anyone."

Why, Lord? Why did it have to happen this way? Why is my heart breaking?

*****

I'm sitting here, six hours later, and I honestly don't know the answer to any of those questions.

I'm trying not to think about it; trying not to replay those crushing words over and over in my mind.

I'm trying not to go crazy.

And I know I will go crazy, focusing on what I don't know, which is why I've decided not to do that.

I'll focus instead on the stars, and the Psalms and "Boldly I Approach Your Throne".

I'll remind myself over and over that God alone is enough and He withholds no good thing from me, His daughter whom he loves immeasurably.

I don't have a five-step plan on how to recover from crushing conversations.

But I do have a God who will restore all things and will someday show me how He used this for His glory.

For now, I'll cling to that.